Dates and Genitalia

Me: Goodness, that was a big cough.
B: Thank you!

J: Hey, B, can you pick this up, please?
B: Well, I just can't.

H: Why are you writing G's mom a card?
Me: Because she pushed a baby out of her vagina.
B: Ooooh. That her hurt 'gina!

H: I'm going on a date.
Me: There will be no kissing on this date.
H: Oh yes there will be! I'm just going on a date with Papa!

H: Momma, I want to go to preschool.
Me: Really? Okay, we can talk about that. It wouldn't be until next year though.
H: Yeah, I want to go to L's preschool.
Me: Okay.
H: (after a few moments): Can we still go to the children's museum if I'm in preschool?
Me: Of course, it just wouldn't be for quite as long since you'll be in preschool in the mornings.
H: (after a very long dead silence) I was just kidding. I don't really want to go to school.

B: My penis cold. Carry me, please.

I'm allergic to you!

H: When you get old, you might die.

B: I am not God.

H (whiling throwing a fit): Don't touch me; I'm allergic to you! I'm allergic to you!

H (first thing in the morning): Momma, you make me happy. You make me laugh.

H: That little girl has two mommies.
Me: Cool. Some kids have two mommies.
H: Yep. Just like some kids have two sisters!

Ugly troll

Me: Who are you?
H: I want to think about that.

H: (to B) I just can't make sense of you most of the time, but I love you every day.

H: I'm going on a date.
Me: With who?
H: An ugly troll.
Me: An ugly troll?
H: Yes, an ugly troll. Just like you.
Me: Gee, thanks.
H: Don't worry, Momma. Papa's an ugly troll, too. It's a good thing you're both pretty.

Dead guys and snow

H: Momma, that dead Nicholas guy brought us candy!

B: Mommy, need coffee.
Me: I don't have any coffee, baby.
B: Mommy, pleeeeeeease. Mas coffee. I need it.

H: What are you doing on your phone? Are you checking on the kitty cat and making sure she likes Heaven?

H: My hand is because my tears are crying.

H: The snow is going on me because it thinks I'm the ground.

Farts and Cats

H: Mooooom, Luna's broken!

B: I sorry, H. I farted.

H: Momma, I love you. But I wish you were a cat.

Too bad he got dead

H: Momma, do you remember Duckie?
Me: I do.
H: He was awfully sweet and cute. I miss him.
Me: Me too.
H: Too bad he got dead.

H: Mommy! Mommy! Daniel Tiger is a liar, I can't watch this anymore.
Me: Whoa, what?
H: He said you have to have shots to stay healthy. I don't have shots and I'm never sick.
Me: He's not lying. He just has a different truth than us.
H: You're making this really confusing.

H: Mom, Luna [the cat] is looking at me! That means she loves me!

H: Let's call her [the cat] Luna. Like the moon.
Me: Luna. Why?
H: Because I like the moon. And I like her too.

If I had a hooker...

After Baby C pulled on his hair
B: No hurt me, baby. Baby, please don't pull my hair. Dank you!

H: If I had a hooker I could put one dress on it.

Me: Oh, don't eat your boogies. It'll hurt your tum-tum.
H: I can eat just one and I'll be fine.
Me: I'm not sure about that. Mocos isn't made to be in your pansita.
H: No no, Momma, I've all ready tried. I can eat just one and I'm fine.

Me: B, I love you so much. I could just eat you up.
B: No say that, Momma. Eat chicken.

B, naked, was hanging on the very "on" oven door.
H: You're going to burn your penis right off.

Me: Oh, man, it's broken.
H: Say, Mom. It's okay. You can fix it.
Me: No, I can't. I don't have the other piece.
H: Well, we'll find it. We'll be hunters.

This looks like a snail

H: Papa, me and Momma are both princesses, and you and B are something I don't know. But you dance with princesses.

H: This looks like a snail. Or Jesus.

H: Actually, I have a secret. There is really a princess there.

After rocking B for 30 mins, I tried to lay down with him on my chest.
B: No, Momma. Rock-a your baby.

The castle of age

H: (in reference to B) He's not big or little. He's small-medium.

H: Why do you and Papa kiss so much?
Me: Because it's fun.
H: Oh. Well...can I have fun, too?
Me: Oh, you can have all the fun you want when you're 35.
H: Okay....(after a few moments). Mooooom. You're 25. That's not as big as 35.
Me: Why can't you be a normal 3 year old?
H: No one is normal in this family.

After waking up to discover I was not laying in bed with him, but was instead downstairs watching TV.
B: Momma, don't ever, ever go downstairs.

H: I'm hungry, too. This is serious!

H: You're all going to be prisoner of the castle of age.

I just wish God would be borned all ready

H: I just wish God would be borned all ready. I want it to be Christmas.

After accidentally getting her nose bonked with a book.
H: Let me think what will make me feel better. Oh, I know! Barnes and Noble will make me feel better!...and baby C. I want to give him a hug.

H: Mom, why when he was borned they cut his penis off?
Me: Well, they didn't cut it all off. Just the foreskin. It's just something some parents choose to do is all.
H: But now it's short. That must have been so sad.

H: I gots people.

Boxes and Babies

H: Can I watch "Daniel Tiger"?
Me: Let's wait until baby C takes a nap or goes home. Babies shouldn't really watch TV at all.
H: Well, we could put him in a box so he doesn't see.
Me: Do you think that'd be very comfortable or fun?
H: Well, we can put a blanket down first. We can put two blankets down. And give him a toy.

H: Can we keep this baby?
Me: No, we have to give him back when his mommy is done working.
H: But he's a really good baby. It'd be no trouble for us to just keep him....forever.

Me: (checking on B pooping on the potty) You doin' okay
B: Yep. Great. I got this.

H: Mom, why is his [a baby] penis short? B's is long.
Me: Well, that's because he was circumcised.
H: What's that?
Me: Well, when he is was born his parents decided they wanted it circumcised, so they cut part of it off.
H: Oh no! That would hurt!
Me: Yes.
H: We won't ever do that to B, will we? We like his long penis!

The real Santa Claus and farts

Me: Oh, no, that was quite the cough. I wonder if you're getting a cold.
B: (touches his cheek) No, I'm hot.

H: Well, the real Santa Claus lives with the princesses somewhere else on Earth.

Me: (after walking into B's room and finding a large turd on the floor) What happened?
B: I farted and it felled out.

Me: Why were you a little hesitant to go into ballet class?
H: Well, because you're so warm and soft and I just love you!

Princesses don't go to their room.

B: Momma, H hit me.
Me: Oh, I'm sorry. Did you tell her that you don't like that?
B: H, no hit me.
H: I'm sorry. It was an accident. What can I do to help you feel better? Would you like a hug and kiss?

Me: (as B is rolling on the floor with a pair of scissors) Do you like your eyes?
B: No, I'm fine.

Me: H, are you done with this almond butter tortilla?
H: Yes.
Me: Then can you put it in la basura, please?
H: Maybe you can do it.
Me: Yes, I'd love to. Because I'm not trying to do a million other things at this moment.
H: That's why you're super mom.

After the kids were whining and fighting for the umpteenth time.
Me: All right, guys, this is enough. Mommy is losing her mind. Let's pull it together now.
H: I think you need a hug and kiss. You're attitude isn't very sweet right now.

Me: H, if you cannot play safely and kindly than maybe you need to go play in your room.
H: Princesses don't go to their room.

Shovels and baby brothers.

H & B were watching me change feminine hygiene products.
H: So you're doing that for your bloods.
Me: Yes.
H: It doesn't hurt you to just stick it up there like that?
Me: No. (after a second) But you never put anything in your vagina that wasn't made to be there.
H: Oh, like shovels?

Me: Look, H, this is a picture of G's brand new baby brother.
H: Does she have to keep him forever?
Me: Yes.
H: Oh. Well, she should have had a sister instead. I know.

Buggie-bugs and hugging monkeys

B: Look, I found a buggie-bug! [stink bug] Eat it?
Me: Please, don't.

H: If I can't do a handstand in here than I'm going to be hungry!

H started climbing up a ladder.
Me: Uh-uh.
H: Well, now you don't get a hug. You can't be a hugging monkey!

Pigs and Humans

H: Awww, it's my little baby guinea pig.
B: (takes imaginary guinea pig from her hands and eats it) Ope! All gone, I eat it!
H: It's a guinea pig! Not a pig! What is wrong with you?

H: I do a dance and I go potty. Then I'm all cooled down.

H: I said "hi" to those humans!

H: I'm tired. And I'm running out of air. I don't think I can make it to my bed.
Me: What? You're running out of air? Are you breathing okay?
H: You wouldn't understand. It's a little girl problem.

Cake and Poop

Me: (after watching Disney Junior Live!) Did you have fun?
B: Yes, but there was no cake.

H: Sometimes I get mad and have tantrums. But then sometimes I'm happy and I poop!

The beginning of a new blog and way too many quotes.

Per the advice of a dear, sweet friend, I've decided to start a blog just with quotes from my children. Because they're hilarious most days; sometimes over the top witty and insightful; other days they'll humble you; and you all should get to enjoy it too, if you so wish.

So I will start this off with a few good quotes I have written down this past year, and then take off from there - maybe hopefully ambitiously daily. We shall see.


January:

H: I love you forever. I like you for always, as long as my mommy you'll be.

H: I'm freaking out, Papa!

H: Mommy, I am just growing up way too fast!

H: I need to go to Aruba. The iguanas need me.

H: I'm freaking out okay? I just need some time!

After B turned off her movie.
H: Oh, no! He turned off my movie! How will I ever watch it? I just can't believe it!

February

Me: What's for dinner?
B: Pez!
H: We want salmon or cod, please.

March

H: Right now, I'm too smart.

H: Mommy, can I help you make dinner?
Me: Sure. What do you want to make?
H: I can just help you order pizza.

April

Me: Ahhh! Duckie, do not pee on my floor!!
H: Mommy, he is just a baby. Your expectations are too high. He will pee on the pad on his own when he's ready.

H walks into a room where B is butt naked telling the dog good night.
H: Have a little modesty, B, just have a little modesty.

H: Mommy, in case you didn't know, I'm a queen. Not a princess. Queens are really smart AND pretty. But princesses only know how to look pretty.

H: Me and Papa both start with "p."
Me: You don't start with "p." You know that.
H: Uh-huh. P-p-Papa. P-p-perfect.

May

H: My baby [doll] is hitting and she just won't stop! I keep telling her "gentle hands" but she keeps doing it!
Me: Hm, that's really tough. I used to do that with you. And I do it with B a *lot*.
H: patience is hard!
Me: It is indeed.
 H: (walking away)Gentle hands, baby. Gentle. What if we use our hands to hug? I sure do love you!

June

Me: H, I got you blueberry yoghurt.
H: No! We all ready have blueberries!!
Me: Okay?
H: Blueberry yoghurt and blueberries? How many blueberries am I supposed to eat?!
Me: It's fine, babe. You don't have to eat it.
H: No, I have to eat it! I love it! It's my favorite!!

H: My baby just fucked me up!

H: Are we going to see Ariel and Mickey Mouse today?
Me: We are not going until Wednesday.
H: I don't know when that is.
Me: 2 more days.
H: Can we just count really fast?

September

H: Mom, can you find me a hooker? I really need a hooker.

Me: you are such a beautiful girl. You have a beautiful brain and a beautiful heart and a beautiful face.
H: But the two most important are my beautiful brain and my beautiful heart.

August

B taking his first poop on the potty, pounding his chest while shouting, "I am man!"

October

H: Momma, how does your heart pump blood for your whole body AND make milk for me and Lio? That's pretty incredible.

H: Are you disappointed in me?
Me: A little. I asked you to pick up your art stuff and you said ok. But instead you went and monkeyed around in the bathroom.
H: That was a terrible choice.
Me: We all make poor decisions sometimes. How about we clean up this mess so we can get going?
H: You make *really* good choices, Mom! You know what you're talking about sometimes.

H: (After watching a tantruming boy get a spanking in the mall) Oh my goodness, Momma! Did you see that? Why would that mommy ever hit that boy!?
Me: Well, sometimes mommies don't know how to handle their emotions very well and so they have tantrums right along with their kids, which sometimes includes hitting them.
H: Oh no! We should tell them that it's never okay to hit people! Why would anyone ever think that's okay?

Me: I can see you're having a really hard time today. Maybe we should go to the children's museum on a different day when you're in a better mood.
H: (dead serious) I think that's a terrible idea. I can actually be very respectful. Let me try that instead.

Driving through campus
H: Momma, why do all these peoples have backpacks?
Me: Well, because IU is a university. It's a school for adults.
H: You went to IU. Before I was born.
Me: I did. You were in my tummy for my last semester.
H: Then I came out and you were my mom. That was better than school.
Me: For me, being your mom is way better than school. And so much more fun!
H: Well, of course. I'm pretty fun.