Carrots and Boobies

Me: Lio, why do you have chocolate all over your leg?
B: Because I like to!

B: Hi. I'm a wombat. Bye.

H: "Physics" isn't a real word.

H: Can we give you to another country.

B: Do you understand, Momma? I'm going to run away from you.
Me: Okay.
H: Run away.
B: No! I'm in the car.

B: Momma, I no like those pretzels.
Me: Okay, you can give them back to me.
B: No, I ate them.

B: Your dress if very beautiful. I especially like the flowers on your boobies.

H: Papa, I made a friend at the park.
J: That's great. What was her name?
H: I don't know. But she does!

B: This dinner is not happy today.

Me: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
B: What?
Me: An investigator!
B: Okay, stop talking.

B: I am busy and I have carrots!

B: The kombucha went straight to my toes!

H: Seriously? You don't like carrots? Sounds like a bad day!

B: I'm going to miss Papa, Momma. He's my best papa.

H: If I had big boobies like yours I'd just squish them.

She can lick me.

H: Honey, you're beautiful all the time without make-up.

H: Isn't he a wonderful baby?
B: No! I'm not a wonderful baby!

H: I miss nursing. That milk is yummy!
Me: Do you want to nurse again?
H: No, I'm big now. That'd be quite silly.
Me: What if Lio is nursing at 4? Would that be silly?
H: No. He might not be big then.

Me: We are going to see baby Haley tomorrow.
B: Oh. She can lick me. And play with my toys.

Collections and Spanish Lessons

H: I have a collection problem.

H: Can I have two?
Me: Just one.
H: But I'm not so sure I want just one.

B: Can I just say, "Damn! Damn! Damn!" all the time?
Me: I mean, I'd prefer you didn't because it's not the most pleasant of words. But it's your prerogative.
B: I'll just say, "Boom! Boom!"

Me: Okay, you changed Mommy's GPS to Spanish?
H: Lio.
Me: You think Momma needs a Spanish lesson?
B: Yep. It's my job!

H: Mom, Lio has a problem. Can you solve it?

H: The Easter Bunny only put chocolates and caramels in the eggs! I bet he knows I'm allergic. What a thoughtful Easter Bunny!

Spider-Man and big ones

B: You see Spider-Man. I can do like him!
Me (as B jumps off the couch toward the wall): I don't know about that...
B (getting up off the floor): I just know I can! I practice lots!

Me: We are buying you a toddler sized carrier. You're getting heavy for this. You got me?
B: Yeah, I got you.

H: I can eat this fish. And this fish! And that one!
Me: You want to eat all the fish in the zoo?
H: No, just the big ones!

Jesus is a fairy.

Cartoon girl on TV: That was spankin'!
H: Mooooooom! That girl said "spanking" and that's not nice.
Me: You're right, spanking isn't nice. But she was saying "spankin'" to mean "cool."
H: Why would anyone think spanking is cool!? There is nothing cool about hitting someone!
Me: Well, you are correct, but that's not exactly what she's saying, Miss Literal...

H: Momma, I'm hungry.
Me: Okay. I can make you coconut chicken fingers? Or an almond butter and jelly sandwich?
H: I just want kale.
Me: Just kale? Do you want anything on it?
H: No. Just a bowl of kale.

H: Will you get me some more ranch, mother who I adore.
Me: Well, when you put it like that, there isn't much I wouldn't do for you.

H: Mom, I miss Jesus. Jesus is a fairy.
Me: What?
H: He becamed a fairy when he died.
Me: I think you mean angel.
H: No. You're a fairy when you die. Angels are just there.

Morning hugs and Chicago

H (waking up next to me): You just need a good morning hug from Halloway and your morning will be perfect!

H: Mom, is Grandma going to die?
Me: Yeah, probably.
H: That makes you really sad, huh?
Me: Yes, it does.
H: Is she my grandma too?
Me: She's technically your great grandma.
H: Because she's the specialist?
Me: She's pretty special for sure.

My older brother: Look at this kid. Cutest kid ever.
B: Grandpa Shawn?

Me: H, aren't you super excited for your vacation?
H: Yes!
Me: Where are you going?
H: Chicago!!!
Me: No...Florida...

B: Momma, you're my best friend!

Sauce and Green Stuff

B: We need the sauce!
Me: I agree! But you're too little and I shouldn't have it alone.
H: Are you making a joke?

B (after asking if he could pray before we ate): What I dos now?
Me: You just say thank you for this food.
B: Thank you for the green stuff....oh, man!

H: Momma, can we get a cakepop?
Me: You haven't had dinner yet. Don't you think we should do that first?
H: Momma...I'm really sad. I miss Papa. A cakepop will make me feel better.
Me: Honey, I know you miss Papa. But you shouldn't eat your feelings. That's not a healthy habit.
H: If it's a cakepop it is.

Fuss-tated and thank-yous

Me: You cannot hit me. Or anyone else. It hurts.
B: Oh, Mommy. Papa will be so fuss-tated [frustrated] wif you!

H (first thing in the morning): Momma, my pull-up is dry! My pull-up is dry!
Me: That's awesome!
H: Do you know what this means!?
Me: That your pull-up is dry?
H: That I didn't pee at night. At all. Not even a little bit. My pull-up is dry!

H: You have a baby in your belly. It's really round.
Me: Nope. No baby. Just belly.

H: Do I have to write a thank-you card for every gift someone gives me.
Me: Yes. Yes, you do. It's the proper thing to do.
H: For the rest of my life?
Me: Yes, for the rest of your life.
H: Oh, man.

Pirates and Hairbrushes

H: Look, I have a Rapunzel pull-up.
B: Oh, great! Like my movie.

B: Look at all the pirates!
Me: They're sailors, not pirates.
B: Dey are on a ship. Dey pirates!

H: Where's my hairbrush? I can smell it, but I can't see it.

H (after receiving her ashes): Look! God is on my head!

Cookies and Mocos

I hand H a cookie.
H: Are these healthy ones?
Me: No, these are not healthy at all.
H: Then why are you giving it to me?
Me: Because they're yummy.
H: Oh.

B: Lick it, don't eat it.

H: So, how's your day?
B: It's good. Like RAWRRRR!

B: Momma, do you like my chin.
Me: Um, yes, I love your chin.
B: Oh, good!

B: Let's eat our tasty mocos!
Me: No. No. Let's not. That would hurt our tummies.
B: No. My tummy is fine.

Even when I'm spicy

H (in the car): The stars are following us, Papa!

H: Mom, I love you. And my sleep.

Me: Please don't put that in your mouth. It has germs.
B: I like germs.

B: Me be nice?
J: Yes. Please be nice to these people. We love them.
B: No.

H: She needs to eat something. She isn't being very nice.

B: No push me! I the Lio!

H: Papa, I want you to hold me.
J: You know, mija, I would love to hold you.
H: And I would SO love you to hold me!

J: I love you.
H: Even when I'm spicy.

H (in reference to her poop): What's that amazing smell?

B: Momma, I lost my strawberries.
Me: You lost them? Did you eat them?
B: Yeah...

H: Mom, you can be the goth fairy.
Me: Do you mean the god fairy?
H: No...

Rules and Poles

After removing B from a situation in which he was acting unkind in.
B: Stop, Momma, stop! You're breaking my heart!

H (to B): I love you, Batman. And you love me. I'm your sister, so you have to. It's a rule. And you can't break a rule.

H and B took a stink bug they named Gilbert into the shower with them to play.
H: Mom, Gilbert fell down the drain.

H: Mom, does Abuelita have a pole? I remember a pole. I'd like her to have a pole.
Me: Let's never have this conversation around your papa.

Farts and 10

H: Momma, I farted! My fart smells like bacon.

Me: Did you guys like the preschool?
H&B: Yes.
Me: Would you like to go there next year?
H&B: Yes.
Me: Will you listen to the teacher?
H&B: NO!
At least they're honest, right?

H: I'm three.
Cashier: That's a great age. Are you looking forward to being four someday?
H: No. But I think ten will be quite nice.

Humans and Lassos

H: So when a baby is born it just pops out of the vulva?
Me: Sort of.
H: And then it grow in 10 hours to become human. Or a dinosaur. But most of them become humans.

H: My earring fell under my bed. I need to get a lasso so I can rescue it.

Hook wackers and spiders.

H: Excuse me, I'm a hook wacker.

B: Momma, where's H?
Me: She's taking a break and playing in her room right now.
B: Momma, no can't do that! H a princess!

H: What is swearing?
Me: It's when you use and unkind work.
H: Ooooh! Like ugly? Or that one word I won't ever say again (stupid)?
Me: Yeah, close enough.

After being handed a donut from our priest
H: Thank you, God.

B is scratching his butt.
Me: What are you doing? Is there something in your bum-bum?
B: Yeah. There's spiders in there.

Decisions and Pizza

H: Did you order me that dress?
Me: I did.
H: Did you ask Papa?
Me: Ha. No.
H: You just make all the decisions, don't you?

Me: You are just too awesome for words, HP. Where did I get such a gorgeous girl?
H: From your belly!

5:30a.m. H rolls over and threads her arms into mine, putting her mouth up to my ear.
H: I really need pizza.

B: Momma, I say "roar" you say "ahh." Roar!
Me: Ahh!
B: Roar!
Me: Ahh!
B: Boo!
Me: Ahh!
B: No! I no say "roar." Listen to me. 'Stand [Understand] me?

Motives and the Grocery Store

H: B bit my toe. But papa is going to talk to him. I told him he needs to talk to him about his motives.

B: My penis is too big for my chonies.

Upon finding lingerie in the library.
H: Oh, you have a princess dress, too! We can wear them together....at the grocery store!