Dates and Genitalia

Me: Goodness, that was a big cough.
B: Thank you!

J: Hey, B, can you pick this up, please?
B: Well, I just can't.

H: Why are you writing G's mom a card?
Me: Because she pushed a baby out of her vagina.
B: Ooooh. That her hurt 'gina!

H: I'm going on a date.
Me: There will be no kissing on this date.
H: Oh yes there will be! I'm just going on a date with Papa!

H: Momma, I want to go to preschool.
Me: Really? Okay, we can talk about that. It wouldn't be until next year though.
H: Yeah, I want to go to L's preschool.
Me: Okay.
H: (after a few moments): Can we still go to the children's museum if I'm in preschool?
Me: Of course, it just wouldn't be for quite as long since you'll be in preschool in the mornings.
H: (after a very long dead silence) I was just kidding. I don't really want to go to school.

B: My penis cold. Carry me, please.

I'm allergic to you!

H: When you get old, you might die.

B: I am not God.

H (whiling throwing a fit): Don't touch me; I'm allergic to you! I'm allergic to you!

H (first thing in the morning): Momma, you make me happy. You make me laugh.

H: That little girl has two mommies.
Me: Cool. Some kids have two mommies.
H: Yep. Just like some kids have two sisters!

Ugly troll

Me: Who are you?
H: I want to think about that.

H: (to B) I just can't make sense of you most of the time, but I love you every day.

H: I'm going on a date.
Me: With who?
H: An ugly troll.
Me: An ugly troll?
H: Yes, an ugly troll. Just like you.
Me: Gee, thanks.
H: Don't worry, Momma. Papa's an ugly troll, too. It's a good thing you're both pretty.

Dead guys and snow

H: Momma, that dead Nicholas guy brought us candy!

B: Mommy, need coffee.
Me: I don't have any coffee, baby.
B: Mommy, pleeeeeeease. Mas coffee. I need it.

H: What are you doing on your phone? Are you checking on the kitty cat and making sure she likes Heaven?

H: My hand is because my tears are crying.

H: The snow is going on me because it thinks I'm the ground.

Farts and Cats

H: Mooooom, Luna's broken!

B: I sorry, H. I farted.

H: Momma, I love you. But I wish you were a cat.

Too bad he got dead

H: Momma, do you remember Duckie?
Me: I do.
H: He was awfully sweet and cute. I miss him.
Me: Me too.
H: Too bad he got dead.

H: Mommy! Mommy! Daniel Tiger is a liar, I can't watch this anymore.
Me: Whoa, what?
H: He said you have to have shots to stay healthy. I don't have shots and I'm never sick.
Me: He's not lying. He just has a different truth than us.
H: You're making this really confusing.

H: Mom, Luna [the cat] is looking at me! That means she loves me!

H: Let's call her [the cat] Luna. Like the moon.
Me: Luna. Why?
H: Because I like the moon. And I like her too.

If I had a hooker...

After Baby C pulled on his hair
B: No hurt me, baby. Baby, please don't pull my hair. Dank you!

H: If I had a hooker I could put one dress on it.

Me: Oh, don't eat your boogies. It'll hurt your tum-tum.
H: I can eat just one and I'll be fine.
Me: I'm not sure about that. Mocos isn't made to be in your pansita.
H: No no, Momma, I've all ready tried. I can eat just one and I'm fine.

Me: B, I love you so much. I could just eat you up.
B: No say that, Momma. Eat chicken.

B, naked, was hanging on the very "on" oven door.
H: You're going to burn your penis right off.

Me: Oh, man, it's broken.
H: Say, Mom. It's okay. You can fix it.
Me: No, I can't. I don't have the other piece.
H: Well, we'll find it. We'll be hunters.