Jesus is a fairy.

Cartoon girl on TV: That was spankin'!
H: Mooooooom! That girl said "spanking" and that's not nice.
Me: You're right, spanking isn't nice. But she was saying "spankin'" to mean "cool."
H: Why would anyone think spanking is cool!? There is nothing cool about hitting someone!
Me: Well, you are correct, but that's not exactly what she's saying, Miss Literal...

H: Momma, I'm hungry.
Me: Okay. I can make you coconut chicken fingers? Or an almond butter and jelly sandwich?
H: I just want kale.
Me: Just kale? Do you want anything on it?
H: No. Just a bowl of kale.

H: Will you get me some more ranch, mother who I adore.
Me: Well, when you put it like that, there isn't much I wouldn't do for you.

H: Mom, I miss Jesus. Jesus is a fairy.
Me: What?
H: He becamed a fairy when he died.
Me: I think you mean angel.
H: No. You're a fairy when you die. Angels are just there.

Morning hugs and Chicago

H (waking up next to me): You just need a good morning hug from Halloway and your morning will be perfect!

H: Mom, is Grandma going to die?
Me: Yeah, probably.
H: That makes you really sad, huh?
Me: Yes, it does.
H: Is she my grandma too?
Me: She's technically your great grandma.
H: Because she's the specialist?
Me: She's pretty special for sure.

My older brother: Look at this kid. Cutest kid ever.
B: Grandpa Shawn?

Me: H, aren't you super excited for your vacation?
H: Yes!
Me: Where are you going?
H: Chicago!!!
Me: No...Florida...

B: Momma, you're my best friend!

Sauce and Green Stuff

B: We need the sauce!
Me: I agree! But you're too little and I shouldn't have it alone.
H: Are you making a joke?

B (after asking if he could pray before we ate): What I dos now?
Me: You just say thank you for this food.
B: Thank you for the green stuff....oh, man!

H: Momma, can we get a cakepop?
Me: You haven't had dinner yet. Don't you think we should do that first?
H: Momma...I'm really sad. I miss Papa. A cakepop will make me feel better.
Me: Honey, I know you miss Papa. But you shouldn't eat your feelings. That's not a healthy habit.
H: If it's a cakepop it is.

Fuss-tated and thank-yous

Me: You cannot hit me. Or anyone else. It hurts.
B: Oh, Mommy. Papa will be so fuss-tated [frustrated] wif you!

H (first thing in the morning): Momma, my pull-up is dry! My pull-up is dry!
Me: That's awesome!
H: Do you know what this means!?
Me: That your pull-up is dry?
H: That I didn't pee at night. At all. Not even a little bit. My pull-up is dry!

H: You have a baby in your belly. It's really round.
Me: Nope. No baby. Just belly.

H: Do I have to write a thank-you card for every gift someone gives me.
Me: Yes. Yes, you do. It's the proper thing to do.
H: For the rest of my life?
Me: Yes, for the rest of your life.
H: Oh, man.

Pirates and Hairbrushes

H: Look, I have a Rapunzel pull-up.
B: Oh, great! Like my movie.

B: Look at all the pirates!
Me: They're sailors, not pirates.
B: Dey are on a ship. Dey pirates!

H: Where's my hairbrush? I can smell it, but I can't see it.

H (after receiving her ashes): Look! God is on my head!

Cookies and Mocos

I hand H a cookie.
H: Are these healthy ones?
Me: No, these are not healthy at all.
H: Then why are you giving it to me?
Me: Because they're yummy.
H: Oh.

B: Lick it, don't eat it.

H: So, how's your day?
B: It's good. Like RAWRRRR!

B: Momma, do you like my chin.
Me: Um, yes, I love your chin.
B: Oh, good!

B: Let's eat our tasty mocos!
Me: No. No. Let's not. That would hurt our tummies.
B: No. My tummy is fine.

Even when I'm spicy

H (in the car): The stars are following us, Papa!

H: Mom, I love you. And my sleep.

Me: Please don't put that in your mouth. It has germs.
B: I like germs.

B: Me be nice?
J: Yes. Please be nice to these people. We love them.
B: No.

H: She needs to eat something. She isn't being very nice.

B: No push me! I the Lio!

H: Papa, I want you to hold me.
J: You know, mija, I would love to hold you.
H: And I would SO love you to hold me!

J: I love you.
H: Even when I'm spicy.

H (in reference to her poop): What's that amazing smell?

B: Momma, I lost my strawberries.
Me: You lost them? Did you eat them?
B: Yeah...

H: Mom, you can be the goth fairy.
Me: Do you mean the god fairy?
H: No...