Carrots and Boobies

Me: Lio, why do you have chocolate all over your leg?
B: Because I like to!

B: Hi. I'm a wombat. Bye.

H: "Physics" isn't a real word.

H: Can we give you to another country.

B: Do you understand, Momma? I'm going to run away from you.
Me: Okay.
H: Run away.
B: No! I'm in the car.

B: Momma, I no like those pretzels.
Me: Okay, you can give them back to me.
B: No, I ate them.

B: Your dress if very beautiful. I especially like the flowers on your boobies.

H: Papa, I made a friend at the park.
J: That's great. What was her name?
H: I don't know. But she does!

B: This dinner is not happy today.

Me: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
B: What?
Me: An investigator!
B: Okay, stop talking.

B: I am busy and I have carrots!

B: The kombucha went straight to my toes!

H: Seriously? You don't like carrots? Sounds like a bad day!

B: I'm going to miss Papa, Momma. He's my best papa.

H: If I had big boobies like yours I'd just squish them.

She can lick me.

H: Honey, you're beautiful all the time without make-up.

H: Isn't he a wonderful baby?
B: No! I'm not a wonderful baby!

H: I miss nursing. That milk is yummy!
Me: Do you want to nurse again?
H: No, I'm big now. That'd be quite silly.
Me: What if Lio is nursing at 4? Would that be silly?
H: No. He might not be big then.

Me: We are going to see baby Haley tomorrow.
B: Oh. She can lick me. And play with my toys.

Collections and Spanish Lessons

H: I have a collection problem.

H: Can I have two?
Me: Just one.
H: But I'm not so sure I want just one.

B: Can I just say, "Damn! Damn! Damn!" all the time?
Me: I mean, I'd prefer you didn't because it's not the most pleasant of words. But it's your prerogative.
B: I'll just say, "Boom! Boom!"

Me: Okay, you changed Mommy's GPS to Spanish?
H: Lio.
Me: You think Momma needs a Spanish lesson?
B: Yep. It's my job!

H: Mom, Lio has a problem. Can you solve it?

H: The Easter Bunny only put chocolates and caramels in the eggs! I bet he knows I'm allergic. What a thoughtful Easter Bunny!

Spider-Man and big ones

B: You see Spider-Man. I can do like him!
Me (as B jumps off the couch toward the wall): I don't know about that...
B (getting up off the floor): I just know I can! I practice lots!

Me: We are buying you a toddler sized carrier. You're getting heavy for this. You got me?
B: Yeah, I got you.

H: I can eat this fish. And this fish! And that one!
Me: You want to eat all the fish in the zoo?
H: No, just the big ones!

Jesus is a fairy.

Cartoon girl on TV: That was spankin'!
H: Mooooooom! That girl said "spanking" and that's not nice.
Me: You're right, spanking isn't nice. But she was saying "spankin'" to mean "cool."
H: Why would anyone think spanking is cool!? There is nothing cool about hitting someone!
Me: Well, you are correct, but that's not exactly what she's saying, Miss Literal...

H: Momma, I'm hungry.
Me: Okay. I can make you coconut chicken fingers? Or an almond butter and jelly sandwich?
H: I just want kale.
Me: Just kale? Do you want anything on it?
H: No. Just a bowl of kale.

H: Will you get me some more ranch, mother who I adore.
Me: Well, when you put it like that, there isn't much I wouldn't do for you.

H: Mom, I miss Jesus. Jesus is a fairy.
Me: What?
H: He becamed a fairy when he died.
Me: I think you mean angel.
H: No. You're a fairy when you die. Angels are just there.

Morning hugs and Chicago

H (waking up next to me): You just need a good morning hug from Halloway and your morning will be perfect!

H: Mom, is Grandma going to die?
Me: Yeah, probably.
H: That makes you really sad, huh?
Me: Yes, it does.
H: Is she my grandma too?
Me: She's technically your great grandma.
H: Because she's the specialist?
Me: She's pretty special for sure.

My older brother: Look at this kid. Cutest kid ever.
B: Grandpa Shawn?

Me: H, aren't you super excited for your vacation?
H: Yes!
Me: Where are you going?
H: Chicago!!!
Me: No...Florida...

B: Momma, you're my best friend!

Sauce and Green Stuff

B: We need the sauce!
Me: I agree! But you're too little and I shouldn't have it alone.
H: Are you making a joke?

B (after asking if he could pray before we ate): What I dos now?
Me: You just say thank you for this food.
B: Thank you for the green stuff....oh, man!

H: Momma, can we get a cakepop?
Me: You haven't had dinner yet. Don't you think we should do that first?
H: Momma...I'm really sad. I miss Papa. A cakepop will make me feel better.
Me: Honey, I know you miss Papa. But you shouldn't eat your feelings. That's not a healthy habit.
H: If it's a cakepop it is.